With Wimbledon under way again we’re reminded what a graceful, exciting and, at times, quirky sport tennis is.
One of the quirkiest aspects is the serve. You get two serves – two attempts – every time. If you miss the first one, no worries, you get another go. Is there any other mainstream sport in the world where you are allowed to completely mess up, without any form of penalty, and have another try? Golf would be a very different game if you could have another go at hitting that putt you just missed. And soccer would be so much less stressful if you were allowed to freely retake a missed penalty shot.
One of the benefits of a second serve in tennis is that it allows players to push the threshold of possibility with their first serve. Risk is all but eliminated. Players hit the first serve with a physical freedom rarely seen in other sports because there is incentive to: the chance of an ‘ace’. And because there is almost no incentive to hold back. There is no fear of failure.
When we are incentivised to push ourselves to the limit of our abilities and we are freed of any fear of failure, we end up with a recipe for excitement and peak human performance.
I wonder how different our classrooms would feel if students were always allowed a second serve?
There’s nothing wrong with spending an hour on social media or watching Youtube or playing a video game. But there’s a cost involved.
The cost is not spending an hour having a conversation with an old friend and not reading a book and not exercising and not…
There are some benefits, of course, but each hour of Instagram costs quite a lot. Sometimes, it’s probably worth it.
It’s interesting how the same painting can look quite different when placed in a different frame.
There are times when we really just aren’t particularly excited about having to meet a particular person (again) or having to try a new experience perhaps.
When we button up our protective vest, cross our arms, and scrunch up our face, the interaction is guaranteed to be non-productive.
But when we open ourselves to the possibility, at least, of a positive experience, we change the frame. You never know what effect this might have.
There’s a reason why we tend to be resistant to change. Change requires time, energy, and often, struggle. We have to be prepared to leave behind an old, comfortable version of ourselves – and to travel to a different place.
We have to acknowledge that there might be a better way. And we have to be prepared to try something new – and to accept the risks that come with that choice. What if the change doesn’t make things better? What if we invest in change and it’s not worth it? What if we waste our time and energy? What if we can’t go back to the old way?
All fair questions. Change isn’t always good. There are risks and costs. But there are also risks and costs of standing still.
So, to embrace a change or not? Is there a right choice?
Yeah, there is. It’s the choice informed by our values and fuelled by courage.
There is single moment, after these five words are spoken with genuineness, in which trust and closeness either grow or shrink. If the receiver of this message opens themselves to its inherent vulnerability, accepts it with authenticity, and sees it as a present or future opportunity to also share their own challenges or weaknesses – trust grows and the relationship grows.
Harvard professor Jeff Polzer calls this moment a ‘vulnerability loop’:
- Person A sends a message of vulnerability – an apology or shares a shortcoming.
- Person B detects and accepts this message.
- Person B sends their own message of vulnerability.
- Person A detects and accepts this message.
- A new norm is created with closeness and trust enhanced.
What evolves from this type of interaction is a relationship in which it is okay to be wrong, to be imperfect and to need help sometimes. Vulnerability loops are linked to our sense of safety – they help create a human bond.
It takes courage to share our faults. And for some people, being seen to be right is more important than being seen. But the truth is, we are all flawed and we all need other people. A shared, respected sense of vulnerability simply gives us permission to tell the truth and to grow together.
Of course, as educators, we want our students to achieve. And we want them to push themselves, to strive beyond their current ability, to take risks and to embrace failure as an essential part of learning and of doing anything worthwhile.
But which message is the loudest? Which story are your students hearing? Which do they perceive as more important? Achievement or failure?
Because achievement is easy. You just choose the easy task. When we don’t have to try very hard, we rarely fail.
Forgiving is hard. Especially when we’ve been really wronged, hurt, or betrayed. And even more so when the hurt is inflicted by someone close to us.
But the only alternative to forgiveness is holding a grudge. And that’s a choice we can make. But holding a grudge consumes a lot of emotional energy. Anger and resentment are negative emotions that require constant fuelling. And 30 years of forgiveness science has identified a range of harmful long-term physiological and psychological effects that all of this negative emotional exertion can have.
When we forgive, we do not forget.
But when we are able to forgive, we unstick ourselves from the past; we release ourselves from anger and create room inside for peace.